You Wanted Change. You Now Have It! But At What Cost?

Surprise Selection Shocks Nashville

NASHVILLE (The Borowitz Report) – President Barack Obama stunned the country music world today by picking up its highest honor, Country Music Entertainer of the Year.

Mr. Obama was chosen unanimously, according to the Country Music Association, beating out such favorite as Carrie Underwood and Toby Keith.

In Nashville, country music insiders were shocked by Mr. Obama’s selection, given that he has only been in office for eight months and during that time has yet to record a single country song.

But Mr. Obama was gracious in receiving the honor, saying that he was “honored and humbled” by the award before excusing himself to accept this year’s Heisman Trophy.

BREAKING NEWS: This just in!!!

Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game!!!

“We should stop comparing Obama to Hitler.  At least Hitler got the Olympics to come to Berlin.”

Just in from the White House . . .

Democrats, realizing the big success of the President’s “Cash For Clunkers” rebate program, have revamped a major portion of the Obama Nationalization – Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make this major            announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named….

“CASH FOR CODGERS” and it works like this… Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person on the day of delivery. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription-dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special “Bonuses” will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government-prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, cheese, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via a toxic injection, – similar to that given to the engines of the ‘clunker’ trade ins. This will ensure that they, like the vehicle ‘clunkers,’ are not secretly resold (traded in) or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair and among society.

Judging by this I should be gone soon. I’ll miss you guys…

Looks like a sign of intelligent life on the Great Plains.  There may be hope for civilization!

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan.  Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.  The cowboy says, “Y’all havin’ some problem with them circle flies?”

Obama stopped talking and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they’re called, but I’ve never heard of circle flies.”

“Well Sir,” the cowboy replies, “circle flies hang around ranches.  They’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

“Oh,” Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.  But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, “Are you calling me a horse’s ass?”

“No, Sir,” the cowboy replies, “I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse’s ass.”

“That’s a good thing,” Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

 
Barrack Hussein Obama
mm, mm, mm
Barrack Hussein Obama
mm, mm, mm
 
For his ego’s need
and Chicago’s greed
went to Copenhagen
with Michelle, his maven
Tried to get a bid
Who’s he tryin’ to kid
Tried to score an ace
Fell flat on his face
 
Barrack Hussein Obama
mm,mm,mm
Barrack Hussein Obama
mm,mm,mm
 
Used up all his carbon credits
Now he has too many debits
Left for such a very short time
All upon taxpayer’s dime
Paid off some Chicago debts
Wonder if he has regrets
Set us up for hope and change
Stepped outside his usual range
 
Barrack Hussein Obama
mm, mm, mm
Barrack Hussein Obama
mm, mm, mm
 
This is one he can’t throw blame
All was done in his own name
Now we know as all his hearers
He is naught but smoke and mirrors
Thank you Mr. President
This is how we know it went
You could not survive round one
In two thousand twelve, you’re done

Sharolyn Heatwole

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season. This isn’t for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation’s Capitol.  A search for a Virgin continues.  There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

DEMOCRAT
 
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. 
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone. 
 
REPUBLICAN
 
You have two cows. 
Your neighbor has none.
So?
 
 
SOCIALIST
 
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
 
 
COMMUNIST
 
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
 
 
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
 
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
 
 
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
 
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
 
 
AMERICAN CORPORATION
 
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. 
Your stock goes up.
 
 
FRENCH CORPORATION
 
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
 
 
JAPANESE CORPORATION
 
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
 
 
GERMAN CORPORATION
 
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk,
and run a hundred miles an hour
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
 
 
ITALIAN CORPORATION
 
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.. 
 
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
 
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. 
 
TALIBAN CORPORATION
 
You have all the cows in  Afghanistan , which are two..
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
 
 
IRAQI CORPORATION
 
You have two cows.
They go into hiding. 
They send radio tapes of their mooing. 
 

POLISH CORPORATION
 
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.. 
 
BELGIAN CORPORATION
 
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish..
The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy 
 
FLORIDA CORPORATION
 
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the
black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. 
 
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
 
You have millions of cows.
They make real   California  cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Great parody!

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3KDmEvNmJ0

     In case things get a little tougher during the next few months, we In LOUISIANA, TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, & ARKANSAS have a plan.
     Maybe you don’t know it, but LOUISIANA, TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, & ARKANSAS have a legal right to secede from the Union.  (Reference the Texas/Louisiana-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)
    Us TEXOARKLANS love y’all Americans, but we’ll probably have to take action since Barack Obama won the election and is now the President of the U.S.A.  We’ll miss ya’ll though.
    Here is what can happen:
 
    Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the United States, begins to try and create a socialist country, then TEXAS, LOUISIANA, ARKANSAS and OKLAHOMA announces that they are going to secede from the Union…
     George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of TEXOARKLA. You might think that he doesn’t talk too pretty, but we haven’t had another terrorist attack and the economy was fine until the effects of Barney Frank and the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came home to roost…
     So what does TEXOARKLA have to do to survive as a Republic?
 
     NASA is just south of Houston, Texas.  We will control the space industry.
     We refine over 90% of the gasoline in the United States…
     Defense Industry–we have over 65% of it. The term “Don’t mess with TEXAS,” will take on a whole new meaning.
     Oil – we can supply all the oil that the Republic of TEXOARKLA will need for the next 300 years.

 What will the other states do? Gee, we don’t know.  Why not ask Obama?
 
     Natural Gas – again, we have all we need and it’s too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and AlGore will just have to figure out a way to keep them warm…
     Computer Industry – we lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications equipment – small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Nortel, Alcatel, etc…  The list goes on and on.
     Medical Care – We have the research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers.
     We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter citizens:   University of Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, University of Oklahoma, Oklahoma State University, UL-Lafayette, UL-Monroe, LSU, Louisiana Tech University, University of Arkansas, Arkansas State University, Baylor, Rice, TCU, SMU and MANY more.
     We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it isn’t restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in TEXOARKLA, we are a Right-to-Work State and, therefore, it’s every man and woman for themselves.. We just go out and get the job done… And if we don’t like the way one company operates, we get a job somewhere else.
     We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance industries, etc.
     In case of a foreign invasion, we have the TEXOARKLA National Guard, the TEXOARKLA Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don’t have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six guns and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
     We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and let’s not forget seafood from the Gulf.  Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good.  We don’t need any food from somewhere else.
     FIVE of the ten largest cities in the United States  and THIRTY-TWO of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in TEXOARKLA.  And TEXOARKLA also has more land than California, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Maryland, Rhode Island and Vermont combined.
     Trade:  FIVE of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in TEXOARKLA.
     We also manufacture cars down here, but we don’t need to.   You see, nothing rusts in TEXOARKLA so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for decades.
     This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of TEXOARKLA in good shape. There isn’t a thing out there that we need and don’t have.
     Now to the rest of you folks in the United States under President Obama:
 
     Since you won’t have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV.  The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
     You won’t have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite communications.
     You won’t have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Al Gore has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
     In other words, the rest of ya’ll in the USA can enjoy change! 
  
       Signed, The People of TEXOARKLA
  
P.S. This is not a threatening letter – just a note to give you something to think about!  Sleep well tonight ’cause the eyes of TEXOARKLA are on YOU!!

Dear Mr.  President: 
  
  I’m planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico  for my health,  and I would like to ask you to assist me. 
  
  We’re  planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into  Mexico,  and  we’ll need your help to make a few arrangements.
 
  We plan  to skip all the legal stuff    like visas, passports, immigration  quotas and laws.  I’m  sure they handle those things the same way you do here.     So, would  you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I’m on my  way  over? 
  
  Please  let him know that I will be expecting the following:
 
  1. Free  medical care for my entire family. 
  
  2.  English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need,  whether I use them or not. 
  
  3. Please  print all Mexican government forms in English. 
  
  4. I want  my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers. 
  
  5. Tell  their schools they need to include classes on American culture and   history. 
  
  6. I want  my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at  their school. 
  
  7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.  
  
  8. I will need a local Mexican driver’s license so I can get easy access to government services. 
  
  9. I do  plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don’t plan to purchase  car  insurance, and I probably won’t make any special effort to learn local  traffic laws. 
  
  10. In  case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from  their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has  at least one English-speaking officer. 
  
  11. I  plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U S. flag decals on  my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any  complaints or negative comments from the locals. 
  
  12. I  would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have  any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
 
  13.  Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely  nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy. 
  
  14. I want to receive free food stamps. 
  
  15. Naturally, I’ll expect free rent subsidies. 
  
  16.  I’ll need Income tax credits so although I don’t pay Mexican Taxes,   I’ll  receive money from the government. 
  
  17.  Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov’t pays $ 4,500  to help me buy a new  car. 
  
  18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social  Security program so that I’ll get a monthly income in retirement. 
  
  I know  this is an easy request because you already do all these things for  all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President  Calderon won’t mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. 

 Thank you so much for your kind help. You’re the man!